Fuck it you guys. it’s just time to admit it.
I’M DEPRESSED AGAIN. ok?
And I mean, I don’t know, I guess there’s different forms of depression cos it’s not like the oh-my-god-i’m-clutching-at-the-walls-of-my-stomach-to-get-away-from-my-brain kind of thing, it’s more like a dull, slow, monotonous, dreary, constant thud on my chest. I’m not trying to sound like i’m drowning or anything. I just, I can’t actually handle being alone.
I’m actually just. Not capable of doing it. And there was a time I could, I swear to god. I’d just be alone, reading, thinking, talking to the voices in my head, laughing at my own absurdities. And now it’s all frightening. I’ve done that part. I don’t need to anymore. I, I just want closeness. I need people around me.
I’ve sung the pity party enough times. i don’t need to repeat it again.
My family wont come visit me. My best friend is on the other end of the planet. My boyfriend can have a good time without me. I hate my university life. What the fuck am I doing.
But I mean, it sort of helps me to say this again and again. I’m sorry. It may be sad and selfish but fuck it. So what? Maybe I want to feel alone, when that’s all I really am. I need to stop deluding myself that being on my own is ‘healing time’. That’s bullshit. I just mope.
Because I want to.
It’s a comfort, I guess.
But just, don’t judge me, ok? Nobody. Don’t. Because I hate myself enough as it is, I don’t need anyone, not you, not my friends, not my parents, not anyone to judge me more so than I do myself. I literally, (ACTUALLY), suck at everything. EXCEPT, pretending to be good at stuff. Ironic right? But if anyone ever actually looked deep enough beyond my Billy Punk surface they’d probably actually be shocked. Because yeah, sorry, I can fake it pretty damn good.
All of it.
And like, it sucks.